Last Chance to Fight With the Locals

Last ride this year, guys - 
We are taking a great farewell route to the Shore this time. North Up ocean avenue, over the Bridge at Sandy Hook, Up to the Lookout, then over to NORMANDY ROAD - that super-secret government road that has giant signs like this:




 So everyone bring a fake ID, just in case we get stopped by the MPs. Just remember, my name is Fred.



So We will START at Allen Avenue at 9:45, 
PICKUP on OCEAN and PARK at 10:00. 
And off we go...

Here is the map::



View Normandy in a larger map
 

Ok Team,  - This week we are going to take it easy - because I have a Triathalon to do on Sunday - So the ride's gonna be 35 miles to Burnt Tavern Road somewhere south of Allenhurst.

Here's the map:

View Aug24 in a larger map



Meet at Allen Avenue at 9:45. Leaving at 9:55 really. This is a 35 mile ride we should be done in 2 hours.

See ya Saturday.

Captain Joe.

Carlos Danger is Analog! Or he's just a Weiner.

This week we review the life and times of a prominent New York Jew. What can be said that has not already been regurgitated by everyone in America:

   

I"m baaack. And I'm really sorry. All that stuff took place a loooooong time ago. What's that? Oh. I meant it took place a while ago, before I resigned from Congress. And by before I mean after. And it was only one girl. And by one I mean a few. Which, by that, I mean 4 - really 6. Look, this is about is New York City, not about me. Which means about me.  Have you seen my abs? I work on them every day. Twice. Only when I'm playing with myself, which is like, never, but only after lunch. And, maybe, after dinner. OK, so I'm naked  most of the time, and all of that time I'm on Twitter or Instagram. Look, I'm just a humble Jew from Brooklyn with a huge nose and a huger schlong, with just a small propensity towards narcissistic sexual exhibisionism. The mayor's office is no place for sex and scandal and late night excursions strip clubs and whorehouses - which I'm told is all covered by the 9/11 slush fund. We have to screen every female that comes in Gracie Mansion - not just anyone can get into LaGuardia's secret sex dungeon. And I care about schools, and taxes, and low rent housing, really I do. Please vote for me. Or Huma's uncle is gonna cut off my nuts.

I mean look at me The original nerd, nebbish, meskite with a Jewfro. What did you expect?

Yeah, with faces like this we have no choice. Go Hardcore or go home, I say. The chicks were all lined up during Saved By the Bell, but after, well, lets' just say the Screech monster had to start searching high and low to get his daily dose of poontang. It's was tough for a while. We didn't have the internet in those days. I had to cruise the malls and rest stops looking for my fix of puss. Then the porn movie thing came along, and that was great! Coked-out strippers and weekly HIV tests. I love show biz. Before that, Howard Stern wouldn't call me. Now I'm on every other day, usually with Danny Bonadouche and John Stamos. If you want, I can mention your name to Gary the Retard.

I keep getting stuff in my eye. Tears of regret, of compassion, of sorrow? Nah, my load is just so damn strong. I've blinded people with the sheer volume and thickness of my issue - wait, is this mike on? And I want to say I'm sorry, sorry , sorry, and that this is behind me. Sorry ( Look at that ass over there, Wow, you great a great view from up here on the podium - Let me tweet this)  And in conclusion, sorry. really . I mean it this time.

Ride for Saturday, July 27, 2013

So on to the reason for this post, this week's ride. We will be heading north, leaving Allenhurst at 9:45, pickup on Park Ave and Ocean Ave at 10:00. Gonna make this a short but a good workout, under 30 miles. Here is the map:


View Little Loop of 30 Miles. in a larger map

 Team Teasy Club Update News

Last week, I asked you guys to chip in some dues to fund the Team Teasy Commissary.  These guys each paid up the $50 Lifetime Exclusive Personal Riding License Fee - LEPRLF - which will enable them free access to goods and services offered by the Commissary, or my closet. Eddie, Morris B, Alan, and Jason all paid in, along with my $50, I made and initial purchase of $287 worth of goods from Nashbar, at 22% off.  Now available:

• Cytomax Drink Powder. It's got Electrolytes. Orange and Grape available for mixing in your water bottle. This stuff has some caffeine and will keep you from bonking.
• CLIF SHOT BLOCKS. Strawberry and Orange. Orange has some caffeine also.
• GU. I got Vanilla Bean and Chocolate. 
• TUBES. I got 10 or so tubes. Everyone should have at least ONE in their packs for each ride . I have long valve and regular valve lengths, so I'll give you what you need. 

We should each just take what we need for the ride that day. I want to hear from you as to what goods we want keep in stock: flavors, new items, whatever. Everyone what did not pay - bring $50.

See Ya,
Captain Joe.


 

Gipsy Danger is Analog!

 What a bunch of crap from a crap movie. Yeah, I saw this monstrosity.   

Not to make a full review of this thing, I just could not buy into the premise:
We can't destroy these monsters with: jets, drones, bullets, missiles, nerve gas, bunker busters, lasers, or nuclear missiles. But we CAN build giant robots to PUNCH  them, with arms powered by rockets. Rockets that can power missiles. 

Oh and we have a giant sword. Because swords are better than lasers. Following this logic,  this guy could finish them off before lunch:

Guns? Swords? Bullshit. This long string of cow leather will get those bastards. I beat the Nazis with this thing. If you just turn around so I can snap this at your butt.

As for that analog line - besides the wooden acting, the bad backstories, the ridiculousness of it all -  Charlie Hunnam declares "Gipsy Danger is analog!!!!"  - As if that would save us from the massive EMP that wiped out everyone's iPhone. This is analog:

 This is analog, mostly:

I was born in the year 2100, with bio-synthetic parts from frog DNA and 5000 Christmas lights.

 This ain't analog:

You are not looking at a black and white Dumont TV, are you Charlie?? This machine is tied to cerebral cortex. I think a few ones and zeroes are being used here. 

What a disappointment. They spent $200 million on this thing. If they put $200,000,000 cash in a room, and charged people to see it, that would have made more sense. 

THE RIDE FOR JULY 20, 2013

This week,  we are going to ride south around the Manasquan Reservoir. And we are going to try to go earlier.  The ride will START AT 9:30am from Allenhurst.

Also, it's very hot out - everyone should be drinking this whole week. Water. Your piss should be light yellow. 

And bring your own snacks this time - I am out of inventory.

On that note, I am collecting  for the Team Teasy Nutrition Fund. Basically, you guys pony up $50 each, I'll buy some snacks and Cytomax drinks for the rides. Powerbars, Clif Bars, Clif Shot Blocks, Jelly Beans, GU, etc. I want to buy wholesale by the case. We'll keep it at the house, and you can load up each week. Use the comments to tell me whet you want.

Link to Map:Mansquan Reservoir Ride. Man37 Map.

Map:


View Man37 in a larger map


And Coach Fat Ass will not be with us this week. Ray spent the kid's inheritance to fly everyone  to Greece (my invitation got lost). Mabrook for you, the wife, and the kids. Enjoy, Coach, see you when you get back. 



 The CLYMB. Good Stuff cheep.  Click this for some great deals on some great stuff.

Into the blue..

What a week! Egypt is in flames. Plane crashes. I saw a Sandra Bullock movie. Epic POS movie. Did you expect this to be good?

I can lift her over my head if I want.  First I gotta take a dump.

 But at least we go to see BIFF TANNEN once more....

Whoa whoa whoa , stop the clock. Which one wants to sleep with me again?

 A little training advice: don't do this on your bike:

 

 

THIS Week's ride. July 13.

So this week we gear up to ride fast and straight to Sandy Hook, and then into Atlantic Highlands. So, it's gonna be long and flat and fast - with a tailwind -  before it gets hilly, and slow, and painful - Grand Tour, Serpentine, etc.   We've all been there before, but I think I can come up with some interesting diversions to the usual roads. We return through Rumson and Seven Bridges road.

No maps this week, because - really. 

We will try to maintain a paceline that looks like a well functioning racing team::

Granted, they are all on drugs right now. I mean, really high as Richard Pryor before he blew himself up. Higher than the guy that jumped out of the spaceship a few months ago. I have a large bottle of Ginko Biloba - maybe if we take, like 3 pills each, we can achieve this level of precision and grace.

So, be at 117 Allen Avenue, leaving at 10am. 
Heading NORTH, Pickup on Park & Ocean at 10:15am. 
See you Saturday. Captain Joe.


Ok I have some sympathy for those of you without imagination. Here's a map.  

Atlantic Highlands Ride:: 37miles from Allenhurst


View UntitledAtlantic Highland 37 Miles in a larger map

The Ultimate Compilation of Painful Nut Shots

This seems painless:

Point Pleasant it is.

OK guys, here we go. We are heading Southbound, through Belmar and Spring Lake and then we go west, almost crossing the GSP before turning east again on Herbertsville Road, heading to Point Pleasant. Then we turn north for home.

No one should get lost, you know where the ocean is, you should be able to turn around anytime to go home.

I am inclined to make this a hard start, meaning the BELMAR BRIDGE on Rt35 Climb in the first 5 miles. Yeah, I think I'll start there.

Route:

Point Pleasant Map

View PointPleasant35 in a larger map

July 4th , 2013. Go 'MERICA

Here we go for JULY 4, 2013.

Easy ride, 37 miles. Start 9am at my house in Allenhurst. Moving north to pickup people bat Park Avenue and Ocean Avenue at 9:15. Mostly flat ride with ONE hill of 200ft climb - nothing for you guys, really.

A shorter route would be to turn off as we get to Navesink You can go West - hills on Navesink River Road and then return through Red Bank - or East - back to Atlantic highlands bridge and a windy ride back home south along Ocean Avenue. Look at the map and review your options.

And everyone - DRINK Gatorade or something similar.  Eat some breakfast - oatmeal, fruit , something for immediate, easily digestible energy - NO buttery eggs or Zatar bread.

check out the maps - See you tomorrow.  Captain Joe.

Chapel Hill 37 Ride map


View Chapel37 in a larger map

Some Advice on Nutrition.

Guys, a couple of articles that might be useful to us all.

What to Eat on the Bike

What to drink on The Bike

We all need to eat and drink the right way  - so we don't end up exhausted, overheating, out of gas, and in a taxi.
 

And I want you all to click this link and buy something from the Clymb. The Clymb - make money for your captain.

When you buy from them through this link, a $25 donation will be made to Kars For Kids, a registered 501c(3) corporation. Kars for Kids is a wonderful group of Satmar rabbis that takes your money and funds thier own kids yeshiva tuition. Kars for Kids, what a wonderful group.

Very Simple.. Follow me. Get it???

What a great ride last week. 6 guys, all taut and sweaty, pumping their hearts out on clean, quiet country roads. Thankfully we had a great route planned and everyone followed along.  These folks got lost:

ANYWAY...
What happened to you guys?

The guys at the front with me - 6 of us - we seemed to have lost the back half of group around route 33. We stopped and looked, but you guys were gone. Seems like everyone found their way home ok. Hope you did not get lost.

THIS WEEKS RIDES:

We are riding a few times this week.

Thursday July 4. 

We are NORTHBOUND this week. Start at my house at 9am going NORTH. PICKUP AT PARK AVENUE and OCEAN at 9:15. We should be doing a nice fast course to Sandy Hook & Rumson. 30 miles.

Friday July 5.

Easy Ride. Flat Southbound to Point Pleasant. Leave 9AM from my house. 35 miles.

Saturday July 6.

Leave 10am Going Northbound. Pickup Park Ave and Ocean at 10:15. into Rumson, Navesink, and some other interior roads. Probably 35 miles maybe less depending on how I feel.

More details in the next post.

Captain Joe  

 

 

Ride for June 29, 2013

Tomorrow we have a few professionals coming along...

Be ready at my house in Allenhurst, leaving at 10am. We are doing 40 miles or so, not too hilly at all. Except a real big hill on West Bangs ave in the first 5 miles, after that, not too hilly - I promise.

Ride around Earle 40



 
View Earle40 in a larger map

How's your head?

A good head is hard to protect...

A nice normal Saturday ride - Free headshot included.

It was a normal riding day. We left my house on time actually. About 10 guys out for an easy 30 mile ride. Albert showed up with a new Cannondale carbon bike - without a bell! Through Allenhurst, Deal Road, out to Allaire Airport. We got a flat or two - Albert is no longer a virgin.

We fixed the flat and disposed of the tire in the proper eco-friendly manner:

Then something strange happened to Morris. He developed a headache.

And then he crashed while trying to impress the locals in Bradley Beach:

He survived and walked home the last two miles. All in all a good day..

Here's a map for Sat, June 22. It's an easy 35 miles. See you there.
Link to Google Map: Squankum34




View Squankum 34 in a larger map

Welcome to the Shore. License and registration, you yankee interloper....

Get on your spandex and lube your balls. Another season is here.

Summer begins. I'm sure you're all ready to go. If you're like me , you have been riding and running and training and working out all winter to prepare for the season. I've lost 25lbs, but that was before I gained 20, so I'm almost at my goal weight of ### - which is: whatever number I see on the scale is my goal. And look - I made it!

We start riding this Saturday, June 22 at 10am departure from 117 Allen Avenue, Allenhurst. The ride will be a southbound loop of about 35 miles. Next post I'll have ride details.

We do one ride - if you want to go home early I'll point you to the shore and you can make it home on your own.

The usual rules and warnings: 

Helmets: Bring your own, make sure it  fits. Same for the shirt, shorts, and shoes.

Pump, tools etc: Bring a tube, a patch kit, something to pump your tires. Even if you can't change a flat, bring the stuff and someone will help change your tires.

Be Smart. Don't follow any rider into an intersection blindly. Watch your self and watch the cars. Stay to the right and single file on busy roads. Cars and NJ drivers are a great bunch of caring, considerate folks. They love when we run red lights and cut in front of them on the road. If you are going to fight with any of the locals - make sure you have back up - at least 3 Lycra clad fops per redneck.

Make sure your bike works. There's a limit to how much repair I'll do for you at 10am. If you show up with an Alien helmet and sandals, asking me to "fix your gears", you're SOL.

Be ready people. Peddler is open all week. Or call Haddad.


 See you soon.
Captain Joe.


And if you get there on time, she might come along-----